In an attempt to demonstrate that illiberal methods work better in favor of Those Who Matter, the Hungarian government decided to appoint a new official to elect the judges of the European Court of Justice. The official will select new judges based on the “ILL-method”, which filters for Illiberalism, Loyalty and Long Johns.
The move comes as Hungary lost a case before ECJ. “Let them see how a real man takes care of things,” the spokesman said at the press conference. “The illiberal judge-selection method is a resounding success. Poland has already asked for the method and the declining West also needs it.”
The method has proven to be effective against such undesirable events during its pilot run in Hungary, where a trusted Party member’s wife now appoints government-friendly judges and allocates sensitive cases to them – regardless of logic of geographic considerations. “It is important for a judge to love his work so we make sure to give them the cases they will enjoy,” she said.
The new position might be filled by a young and loyal state secretary, a committee or – ideally – by a minister’s wife, so that she can also provide helpful fashion advice to the massive crowds of incoming judges and court workers who will be new to the scene.
“Maybe we should export the manual we already commissioned for Hungarian courts,” said a hopeful candidate, tentatively looking over her shoulder for approval. When a man standing next to the curtain silently nodded, she continued: “It really cost a lot and it is perfect. It helps employees and lawyers to navigate the pitfalls of dressing well in court, as well as how to pull off the devilish task of following orders but still looking glam.”
Seeing that the press corps got so irrationally hung up on the silly phrase “following orders”, she flashed her panties in panic and told them that “The manual even tells you the desirable color of lawyers’ underwear and how many pairs we should own to have one for every day of the week. I had no idea. My husband was very pleased. A pair of well-chosen underwear is necessary to make correct judgments next time.”
When the questions didn’t stop she added “Real men are illiberal!” and performed a cute little curtsy but when she looked for the man again, he was gone.