Members of international NGO, Spin Doctors Without Borders are concerned about the health and longevity of international public enemy number one, George Soros, in the wake of recent reports about his inheritance.
“Is he dying?” is the question on everyone’s trembling lips.
The spin doctor lobby group has settled on Soros as international public enemy number one a long time ago, many have built expensive campaigns on him, so
the potential loss of their beloved boogeyman alarmed them. Hushed words have been spoken and gossip about his health exchanged on the corridors of the 22nd international convention of SDWB.
“We can’t build up a new public enemy on such short notice” said Árpád Habony, spin doctor of Viktor Orbán, voicing the fear on everyone’s mind.
“Any idiot can build up a candidate – and lose” explained Roger Stone. “But only international effort can build such an enduring, versatile, multifunctional public enemy as George. Dear old George…” he said before he trailed off to stare into the campaign silence. “We should pay him but honestly, he doesn’t need it.”
Spin doctors with elections in 2018 were especially badly shaken. But those with candidates running in 2019 were also barely faking confidence. “It is a hit for the community.”
“He’s right. Only idiots build candidates anymore. Pros build up enemies. With a good public enemy, you can get a horse elected,” added Karl Rove.
“You can break your neck building up Luke Skywalker, they would still vote for Darth Vader. A good candidate must be feared, not loved. And he must defend you from something even more scary. That’s where Soros is irreplaceable.”
The joyless silence of the gala dinner was occasionally interrupted by suppressed sobs and every once in a while someone jumped and ran to the bathroom.
To lighten the mood – and possibly to make his name – an intern tried to start a rumor about life extension techniques financed by Soros’ secret global conspiracy of immortal reptilians, but it didn’t take off. “That’s not how you do it,” said an old spin doctor so influential, not even candidates know his name and everyone immediately forgets his face.
“When a man dies, his soul is liberated and ready to roam the world,” ghost of elections past, Lee Atwater chimed in, channeled by the esoteric wife of an intern. “And he can wreak even greater democracy and unleash human rights from beyond the grave” added Arthur Finkelstein.
“That’s it! Did you hear that?” jumped up the intern. “Erm…. I mean… I have an idea” he yelled into the microphone as public tenders started flowing his way, a new private jet silently materialized in his back garden, and several of his children and nephews received lucky loans from state-controlled banks to go buy themselves an ice cream.