Corruption is a feature, not a bug

The unbearable tackiness of Orbán’s kleptocracy

There is a whistle-blowing scandal unfolding in Hungary. In short, an anonymous blogger started to leak videos about a local mayor snorting coke and doing pros on a yacht in Croatia – alongside allegations about his corruption.

The details of these allegations are emerging slowly and we won’t document every twist of the story here, but there are some things that can be already said with absolute certainty: namely the complete and absolute lack of class in anything these Orbán-enabled strongmen are doing.

NER is short for the System of National Cooperation, i.e. Orbán’s name for what he had turned Hungary into. If you’re a loyalist, you get a cut from the riches that is EU funds. (If you’re not with Him, you are the enemy and won’t eat. Certainly not from EU money over which Orbán has full reign, and what he used to build up his system of complicit cronies that reach to the very bottom of society.)

And the NERistocracy is the ragtag assembly of his newly enriched loyalists who got rich very fast but haven’t yet found the time to buy themselves some class on the piles of cash they are smuggling abroad on their private jets or protected by their diplomatic passports.

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Let’s take the sex tape that was uploaded to PornHub by the anonymous whistleblower. The mayor of Győr, former Olympic athlete and Orbán’s hand-picked local strongman is seen in an orgy on a yacht. In the background, this music is playing:

Apart from the obnoxious audio and visual quality, there is still the infantile vulgarity of the lyrics that punches you in the face. It is very simple: “Give me the titty, the titty give me now / No, I don’t give the titty (x2) / The titty is snow white, the titty is rock hard / The titty is very good” 

I know it’s hard to beat this, but it really does get worse.

The twin ladies on the video were (according to the whistleblower) paid 5000 euros for services rendered on this particular occasion. But that was just the immediate payment. One of them was also “paid” with EU-money, by winning a small business subsidy for her bridal salon. And to make things even more stomach-churning, there was even a TV spot with the talented tender winners, broadcast on TV2, the commercial TV channel taken over by Orbán and turned into a bizarrely incompetent propaganda channel.

One of them opened a bridal salon, the other a party service. “The two, talented young women have become entrepreneurs with the help of a European Union tender.”

Now you know what it takes to win EU money for your little business idea in Hungary. And how to thank for it and whom to thank. The nauseating (with hindsight) clip is your average, heartwarming success story “made possible by the Széchenyi 2020 program” (which is Hungarian for “EU funds, since we must not praise the EU, and Széchenyi is a 19th century aristocrat whose image Orbán likes to rub himself) and the generosity of local strongmen, who know where talent lies. Or kneels in this particular case.

Ladies and gentlemen, the women and men of Orbán’s “Christian freedom”. This is what you need to be able to do to get ahead in Hungary. This is what you do to “win” EU-money. To get the titty. Being a loyalist and go down, go deep, forget dignity. And of course, enforce the system on those who haven’t yielded yet.

And as far as the spending of EU-funds are concerned, this is a feature, not a bug. Money taken away to be graciously handed out in politicians’ discretion – it is the essence of political power, and it is the essence of corruption. This is why they want it. This is why they bother to campaign. This is why they crave power. Rock hard titties.

And no, this guy will never resign. Nothing will happen to him. There is no police or prosecution that would even go near a Fidesznik. They will get busy cracking down on the whistleblowing websites, the media that writes about corruption or the people who comment on it on social media. And none of this was even mentioned in Orbán’s media, so a big chunk of the country hasn’t even heard of it. And yes, this guy will get reelected.

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